Hillary bought Obama a parrot for his birthday.
She told Bill, “The bird is so smart! Barrack has taught him over 200 words!”
“Wow, that’s pretty impressive,” Bill said.
“But you do realize, don’t you, that he’s just saying the words? He doesn’t really understand what they mean.”
“That’s OK,” Hillary replied. “Neither does the parrot.”
A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says
“Now I have to arrange for a GHET.”
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.
The judge says, “You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?” (Circumcision)
She replies. “Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick!”
My doctor referred me to a urologist.
To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful, and unbelievably sexy looking.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why.
She said, “Because I am trying to examine you.”
A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler’s trainer came to him and said “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.”
The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”
The trainer exclaimed “That’s what finished him off?”
“Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.”
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, ‘What’s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!’
The Indian Doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!’
The Chinese Businessman called out ‘Move it, time is money’
The Catholic Priest said, ‘Here comes George the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.’
‘Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, ‘What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’
George the greens keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.’
The group fell silent for a moment rather embarrassed of their thoughts and comments.
The Catholic Priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’
The Indian Doctor said, ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.’
The Chinese Businessman replied, ‘I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls.
The Aussie said, ‘Why can’t they play at fucking night?’
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase ‘Spending a Penny’ is not to be used after 31st December 2009.
From this date, the correct terminology will be: ‘Euronating’.
Thank you for your attention.
Brussels Bureaucracy.
