bingbongboo fun

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift…
    The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
    When she asked him why, he replied,
    "Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that’s how the fight started…

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,”SIR, WHAT’S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?”

THE OLD FARMER SAID, “THAT’S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.”

“I’M SORRY SIR,” SAID THE TICKET AGENT. “WE CAN’T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER.”

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

“MARGE,” WHISPERED MILDRED.
“WHAT?” SAID MARGE.
“I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.”
“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?” ASKED MARGE?
“HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT”, WHISPERED MILDRED.
“WELL, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT”, SAID MARGE.. “AT OUR AGE WE’VE SEEN ‘EM ALL”
“I THOUGHT SO TOO”, SAID MILDRED, “BUT THIS ONE’S EATIN’ MY POPCORN!”

Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as
he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking
at two spiders mating.

‘Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?’ she asked. ‘They’re mating,’ her father replied.
‘What do you call the spider on top?’ she asked. “Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered. ‘So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?’ the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, ‘No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.’ The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

‘Well”, she said, “That may be OK in California , but we’re not having any of that shit in Texas”.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.  

Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’ 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.

It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, ‘Excuse me, where are we?’

‘This is Heaven, sir,’ the man answered. ‘Wow! Would you happen to have some water?’ the man asked.
Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.’The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
‘Can my friend,’ gesturing toward his dog, ‘come in, too?’ the traveller asked.
‘I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.’

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
‘Excuse me!’ he called to the man. ‘Do you have any water?’

‘Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.’
‘How about my friend here?’ the traveller gestured to the dog.
‘There should be a bowl by the pump.’

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
‘What do you call this place?’ the traveller asked.
‘This is Heaven,’ he answered.

‘Well, that’s confusing,’ the traveller said. ‘The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.’
‘Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.’
‘Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?’
‘No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.’
Soooo…
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but just want to keep in contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are welcome @ my water bowl anytime!

One day as confessions were on in church the priest comes out of the confession box and asks the young man sweeping the floor to act as a priest for a minute as he really needs to relieve himself. The priest tells him there is a chart of penance on the wall inside, so the young man agrees.

The first person enters to confess and says “Forgive me father for I have sinned. I stole some food from the supermarket.”

“You will be forgiven”, replies the young man. He looks at the chart and says “10 Hail Mary’s for your sins.”

The second person enters to confess and says “Forgive me father. I lied to my mother yesterday”

The young man looks for lying on the chart and says “You will be forgiven. Say 20 Hail Mary’s for your sins.”

The third person, a teenage boy, then enters and says “Forgive me father for I have sinned. Yesterday I let my girlfriend give me a blowjob.”

The young man looks at the chart but doesn’t see blowjob on it. He opens the door and calls over one of the alter boys. “What does the priest give you boys for blowjobs?” he asks.

The alter boy replies “A can of coke and a Mars bar.”