bingbongboo fun

SUSIE  LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE, SHE PLANNED TO MARRY  JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY ‘BOUT IT ALL, SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL, YOU’LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I’D JUST AS SOON YO’ MA DON’T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, ‘THERE’S TROUBLE STILL.’

YOU CAN’T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON’T TELL YO’ MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO’ I KNOW IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO’ HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE; YOU AIN’T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula………….

“Fuck off” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’.

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. “Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.”

They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor’s office.

“What’s wrong?” asked the Doc. “Didn’t my idea work?”

“Oh, it worked well,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place and make love and then she’d go back home again.”

“Good Homer. So, what’s the problem?” asked the Doc.

“Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started!”

Phil wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy.

Phil agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office.

At a crucial moment during the procedure, one of Phil’s testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it. The doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse’s desk and realized it was the right size and weight, so he placed it in Phil’s scrotum and completed the operation.

A few months later, Phil returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going, Phil replied. “Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife’s not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection.”