bingbongboo fun

It was the mailman’s last day on the job. After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a fine box of cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: Eggs, Hash-Browns, Ham, Sausage, Biscuits, Flap-Jacks, and fresh-squeezed Orange Juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”

He said, “Screw him - - - give him a dollar.”

The blonde then blushed and said, “The breakfast was my idea.

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a woman at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair Smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore,and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

The woman replies, “It’s Keith. The midget.”

Abbreviated Job Titles

The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news:  I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning.  Of course, I was excited, but that didn’t stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.

“Why?” asked the chairman.

“Because,” I said, “our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don’t want be known as VP of CRAP.”

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, “My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.

He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer then prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
(Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer

5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked.
“Not very likely,” his wife said.
“It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.
With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.”
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!”
“No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.”
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.
“They’ll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job.
She began to scream and yell, “You have given them twenty years of devoted service! Why did they fire you?”
“For twenty years I’ve wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer,” he explained, “and today I finally did it!”
The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. “You look okay,” she said with a sigh of relief. “So what happened to the pickle slicer?”
“Well,” he said with hesitation, “they fired her, too.”