He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said,
"Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty!

Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don’t come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.

Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies to everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who’s the young man I just fired?" To which an amazing reply came – "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"

There was an Irishman, a Russian and a Japanese man, all set out on a journey looking for work. They go by a quiet little dusty town and see a sign advertising work in the local coal mine.

The pay is great, so they go off and look for the boss. They find him and he tells them "Well, you know, I don’t usually hire foreigners here, but you three seem like a nice bunch, I’ll give you a try. I want you, the Irishman, to go back in the mine and work on digging, you have the muscles to get the task done well every day. You, the Russian, I want you to cart out the coal every day and load it into the trains.

And you, the Japanese man, I want you to be in charge of providing supplies to the people in the mine."
Well, on the second day, the boss goes down to the mine to check in on his new employees. He sees the Russian toting coal up out of the mines and loading it onto the trains and he’s satisfied. He goes down into the mine to check on the Irishman and the Japanese man. Well, he sees the Irishman digging out the coal, but the Japanese man is nowhere in sight.

He asks the Irishman if he’s seen him lately and he responds "No, nobody has seen him all day, we’re running low on supplies down here."

Fearing the worst, the boss starts wandering around the mine looking for his worker. Suddenly, out from behind a pile of rubble, the Japanese man jumps out, scaring the crap out of the boss and yells "SUPPLIES!!!"

The social worker behind the counter said, ‘Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20′s and has a rather strong sex drive.

The Man, just plain wide-eyed, said, ‘You’re bullshittin’ me!’

The social worker said, ‘ Yeah, well. . You started it!’

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, ‘ya know, Seamus, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.’

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account..

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied,  "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin’ sheet rock…"

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning..
‘That’s very good!’ replied jennifer.

‘And, now you sir?’, she asked the second man…
‘Hmmm…let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’
‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed.’

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply..
‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It ‘s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same  question.
Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’
‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

When interviewed the Gardener protested his innocence and said;
“All I Did was go into the Oval Office and ask, – Has anyone Seen The Spade and Hoe?”

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED Twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that
you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor.

They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management

The clerk pulls up the file and says, ”The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $65,000, but you’re going to have to go to Albuquerque, New Mexico. That’s about 620 miles from here.”

”Good grief, is that where the job is?”

”No sir — that’s where the end of the line is right now.”

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home,
he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver’s license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.

The cabbie said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to hail a cab ride back to the airport.

Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line.

“How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked?
“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.
“And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?”
“What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he eventually reached his old ‘friend’ at the back of the line, he got in and asked,

“How much for a ride to the airport?”
The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks.”
The businessman said, “Okay,” and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.