A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked:
‘Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?’
Maria: ‘Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.’
Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband said so.’
Wife: ‘Oh.’
Maria: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.’
Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband did.’
Wife: ‘Oh.’
Maria: ‘My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.’
Wife (really furious now): ‘Did my husband say that as well?’
Maria: ‘No Señora, the gardener did.’
She got the raise
RAISES - It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
a.. If we see you are wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b.. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
c.. If you dress in between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS - Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
LUNCH BREAKS - a.. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b.. Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
c.. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time it takes to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS - We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE - Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
a.. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
b.. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
c.. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the bulletin board under the “chronic offenders” category.
SURGERY- As long as you are an employee here, you need all of your organs.
a.. You should not consider removing anything.
b.. We hired you intact.
c.. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, aggravations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a good week and GET BACK TO WORK!
This is a short story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It’s allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave her her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her ‘pay’ home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her ‘work’ on the building site and the fact she had a ‘pay packet’. ‘You must have worked very hard to earn all this’, said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, ‘I worked all last week with the men building a big house.’
‘My goodness gracious,’ said the cashier, ‘Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?’ The little girl thought for a moment and said…’I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks.’
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost.
Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”
The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poup on Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will becom e: Knott NOW!
And finally…
9. Vict oria ’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang!
The plane’s cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.”
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”
She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.”
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch.”
