Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.
“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big
fuckin’ red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.
Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to
get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income
and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Sincerely, Jeff
EDITOR’S NOTE:
Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report
says he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury
took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that
Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it is his turn, he pulls out a gun and robs the bank. But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The customer replies, “YES!”
The bank robber raises his gun, points it at the guy’s head, and -
BANG!!!!! SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD, AND KILLS HIM!
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, “Did you see me rob this bank.”
The man calmly responds, “No, but my wife did!”
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided tobuy her husband a gift.
Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf. The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest.
“How much is it?” she asked. “One-hundred and fifty dollars,”he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
“But it comes with an inscription,” the pro said.
“What kind of inscription?” she asked.
“Whatever you wish,” he explained. “But, one of the old golfers’ favorites is: ‘Never Up, Never In.’”
“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place.”
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the in the living room and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
Sometimes she can be such a bitch
