bingbongboo fun

Bud and his wife were sitting around the breakfast table one morning.

Bud suddenly said, “Dear, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” asked his wife.

“I figure you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff…”

His wife looked at him and asked : “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

Dear Husband,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell.  Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BOSS and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-wife

Dear Ex-Wife,
 
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out.
your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BOSS, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my boss had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my boss was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma’am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".

A  police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘ I  clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’

The  driver says, ‘Gee,  officer I had it on cruise control at 60,  perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating..’

Not  looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be  silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have  cruise control.’

As  the officer writes out the ticket, the driver  looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you  please keep your mouth shut for  once?’

The wife smiles demurely and  says, ! ‘You should  be thankful your radar detector went off when it  did.’

As  the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at  his wife and says through clenched teeth,  ‘Dammit, woman, can’t you keep your mouth  shut?’

The  officer frowns and says, ‘And I  notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt,  sir. That’s an automatic fine.’

The  driver says, ‘Yeah,  well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it  off when you pulled me over so that I could get  my license out of my back pocket.’

The  wife says, ‘Now,  dear, you know very well that you didn’t have  your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt  when you’re driving.’

And  as the police officer is writing out the third  ticket the driver turns to his wife and  barks, ‘WHY DON’T  YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’

The  officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your  husband always talk to you this way,  Ma’am?’

I  love this part…. :

‘Only  when he’s been drinking.’

The first man married a woman from Michigan . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Arizona. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, ‘Remember those headaches I’ve been having. All these years? Well, they’re gone.’

‘No more headaches?’ the husband asks, ‘What happened?’ His wif e replies, ‘Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand In front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat, ‘ I do not have a headache ‘ ‘ I do not have a headache ‘ ‘ I do not have a headache ‘ Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.’

‘Well, that is wonderful’ proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, ‘You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don’t you go see the hypnotist and See if he can do anything for that? ‘

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,Picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed And says, ‘Don’t move, I’ll be right back.’ He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into Bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, ‘WOW! – that was wonderful!’ The husband says, ‘Don’t move! I will be right back.’ He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better Than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ‘ OH MY GOD ‘ She proclaims.

Her husband again says, ‘Don’t move, I’ll be right back.’ With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she Sees him standing at the mirror and saying. ‘She’s not my wife ‘ ‘She’s not my wife ‘ ‘She’s not my wife ‘ . ‘She’s not my wife ‘

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.