Archive for the ‘Wife’ Category
And that’s when the fight started..
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, ‘Do you know him?’
‘Yes,’ she sighed, he’s my old boyfriend… I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ I said, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long’
And that’s when the fight started..
The Broken Lawn Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf| Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors| I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp .
Dead Right
Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell his vife?”
They cut the cards..Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer’s condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares:
“Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.
“I’ll go tell him.” says Goldberg.
Breakdown In Communication
Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: “I have great news: I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”
The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. “Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma?” “Yes…… speaking”
Electricity Guy: “Ma’am, I’m calling from the electricity department and You’re a month overdue, you know!”
“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.
“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the guy .
“What are you saying? It’s in your files …… HOW ?????”
“Yes ……….. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue”
“GOD !!!!!!…… … this is too much…….. ..”
“Madam, I am sorry…… I am following orders…. I have to inform you are overdue”
“I know that …….. let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ….. he will speak to your company tomorrow”
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company’s office the next day morning.
“What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.
“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at Electric Company, “it’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us..”
“PAY you? and if I refuse?”
“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”
“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.
“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”
Happy And Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions.
He turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that’s a bunch of crap; I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."
