There was this guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies. But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge etc.
This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don’t come in and make another scene.
Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.
"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed" she told him.
"Oh, relax,"says he, "I’ll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I’ll be gone."
"Just keep your mouth shut," says she again.
Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.
She ‘flipped’ and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said,"wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story."
"I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?
When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife
But after several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.
I became quite concerned.
I was having problems dressing, and even walking. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that, though rare, my condition (Donkey Doodle,) could be fixed through corrective surgery.
‘How long will he be on crutches?’ my wife asked anxiously.
‘Crutches? Why would he need crutches?’ responded the surprised doctor.
‘Well,’ said the wife coldly, ‘you’re going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?
This young couple was about to get married and the night before their wedding day they had a talk.
They decided that the one thing that they never wanted to have a problem with was initiating sex in their marriage.
To solve that problem they decided to come up with a “code word” to help break the ice when asking for sex.
While they were trying to think of a word the washing machine went off balance and the husband says, “I have an idea, why not use ‘washing machine’ as the code word?” So washing machine it was…
A year passed by and one night they were lying in bed and she was reading and he was watching TV. The husband rolls over and says, “Honey, Washing machine?”, and she replies, “Honey, not tonight, I’ve
got a huge headache. I promise we’ll do it tomorrow night!”
So he says, “Alright that’s fine, We’ll do it tomorrow.” They roll to their respective side of the bed and go to sleep. However, the wife can’t sleep because she’s thinking, gosh we’ve only been married 1 year so we’re still practically newlyweds maybe I should indulge him. She rolls over to her husband and whispers, “Honey, are you still awake??”,
He replies, “Yeah, what do you want?”.
She says, “Washing Machine?!?!?!?”
“Forget about it. It was a small load, I did it by hand.”
At dawn the telephone rings, ‘Hello, Senor Rod?
This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.’
‘Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?’
‘Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead’
‘My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?’
‘Si, Senor, that’s the one.’
‘Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did
he die from?’
‘From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.’
‘Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?’
‘Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. ‘
‘Dead horse? What dead horse?’
‘The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.’
‘My prize thoroughbred is dead?’
‘Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.’
‘Are you insane?? What water cart?’
‘The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.’
‘Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??’
‘The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.’
‘What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because
of a candle?!’
‘Yes, Senor Rod.’
‘But there’s electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?’
‘For the funeral, Senor Rod.’
‘WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!’
‘Your wife’s, Senor Rod’, she showed up very late one night and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super
Quad
460 golf club.’
SILENCE……….. LONG SILENCE……….
‘Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep trouble!”
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”
Flynn said, “Why you say such a mean thing?”
“Well,” Mary said, “It could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…..it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.
“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”
