A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, ‘Why are you back in so early? ‘What’s wrong?
I was stung by a bee’, she said.
‘Where’, he asked..
‘Between the first and second hole’, she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, ‘Then your stance is too wide.’
Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run,
jump or swim are already in the United
States.
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.
