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The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit.’

He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… Size 44 long.’

Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’

Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years.’

Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’

Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… Size 36.

Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’

The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’

A woman customer in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soft drinks in their respective aisles.

All this time, however, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, Edward, we won’t be long, easy, boy.”

There’s another noisy outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say,
“It’s okay, Edward, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Just hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is screaming and throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice says:
“Edward, Edward, just relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Edward.”

Very impressed, the woman walks outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the still screaming little boy into a car.

She goes over to Gramps and says: “You know, sir, it’s none of my business, but you were just amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and, no matter how loud and disruptive this boy got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Edward is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks, lady,” replies Gramps, “I’m Edward. The little bastard’s name is Steve.”

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I  found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Houseware to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,  "Code 3 in Houseware. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a  reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, ‘How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?’

The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have:

Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95…

The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: ‘Sir…,
Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is four years old. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine-year-old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”
Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”
The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?”
The nine year old says, “They’re for my four year old little brother.”
The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother?”
The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”

A woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won’t work

The clerk told her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, ‘PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!’

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager In front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,’Ma’am what’s wrong?’ She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, ‘PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!’

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, ‘Ma’am, why are you saying that?’

In a huff, the woman says, ‘BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I’M BEING SCREWED!!’
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!