Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and gave Linda a passionate kiss.
When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly and pulled her hand to his penis. Furious, Linda opened the door and jumped out of the car.
“I’ve got just two words for you,” she screamed.”Disgusting pig!”
And I’ve got just two words for you,” Roger screamed back. “Let go!”
This young couple was about to get married and the night before their wedding day they had a talk.
They decided that the one thing that they never wanted to have a problem with was initiating sex in their marriage.
To solve that problem they decided to come up with a “code word” to help break the ice when asking for sex.
While they were trying to think of a word the washing machine went off balance and the husband says, “I have an idea, why not use ‘washing machine’ as the code word?” So washing machine it was…
A year passed by and one night they were lying in bed and she was reading and he was watching TV. The husband rolls over and says, “Honey, Washing machine?”, and she replies, “Honey, not tonight, I’ve
got a huge headache. I promise we’ll do it tomorrow night!”
So he says, “Alright that’s fine, We’ll do it tomorrow.” They roll to their respective side of the bed and go to sleep. However, the wife can’t sleep because she’s thinking, gosh we’ve only been married 1 year so we’re still practically newlyweds maybe I should indulge him. She rolls over to her husband and whispers, “Honey, are you still awake??”,
He replies, “Yeah, what do you want?”.
She says, “Washing Machine?!?!?!?”
“Forget about it. It was a small load, I did it by hand.”
A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if
he would like a woman sent to his room.
The man says yes.
The desk clerk says, “I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one should I send up?”
With this the man replies, “I’ll take the teacher.”
When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says, “I’m curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or the switchboard operator?”
The man replies, “The stenographer would say that she can’t take it as fast as I give it. The switchboard operator would cut me off before I’m finished, but the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until I get it right.”
A woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won’t work
The clerk told her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, ‘PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!’
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager In front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks,’Ma’am what’s wrong?’ She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, ‘PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!’
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, ‘Ma’am, why are you saying that?’
In a huff, the woman says, ‘BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I’M BEING SCREWED!!’
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!
One day about a month ago, President Bush was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunette and
a redhead. To the blonde he said, “I am the President of the United
States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?”
She replied, $200.” To the brunette he asked the same question. Her
reply was $100. He then asked the redhead. Her reply was, “Mr.
President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties
as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and
keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my
apartment and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr.
President, it isn’t going to cost you a damn cent
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.
“Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff….Dad. …I became a prostitute…” “Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.” “OK, Dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $1 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club……. (takes a breath)…. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and… …”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.
Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff….a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.”
“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.”
