A man arrives at Ben Gurion International Airport in Israel with two
large bags.
A customs agent stops him, opens one bag and finds it full with money in different currencies.
The agent asks the passenger: ‘How did you get this money?’
The man says:
‘You will not believe it, but I traveled all over Europe and went into
all the public restrooms that I could.
Each time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his organ and said, ‘Donate money to Israel or I will cut off your balls.”
The customs agent is stunned and mumbles:
‘Well…it’s a very interesting story… What do you have in the other
bag?’
The man says: ‘You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel ….’
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat…
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’
‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine, ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good, I’d rea! lly like one,too.’
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine’s other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
‘Why does it have to be this way?’ he asked. ‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?’
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do, Father.”
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”
The priest said, “I don’t believe this.. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes! I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack’s liquor store.
One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, ‘Oh, Jack, give me a pint o’ the brandy.’
‘Sister Mary Katherine,’ exclaimed Jack, ‘I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!’
‘Oh Jack’, she responded, ‘it’s only for the Mother Superior.’ Her voice dropped, ‘It helps her constipation, you know.’ So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine! And she was plastered! She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering.
Jack pushed through and exclaimed, ‘Sister Mary Katherine! For shame!! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!’
Sister Mary Katherine replied, ‘And so it is… She’s gonna shit when she sees me.’
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
