Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?”
“Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”
“Sure is bubba!”
“And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?”
“Yep.”
“And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer.”
“But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin . .. What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?
An Idaho farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.
“Is your dad home?” the farmer asked.
“No sir, he ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went into town.”
“Well, said the farmer, is your mom here?”
“No sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“He went with mom and dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do fer ya?” the boy asked politely. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer dad.”
“Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to yer dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to Pa about that,” he finally conceded.
“If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.”
The Italian says, “When I’ve a finished a makina da love I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy.”
The Frenchman replies, “Zat is noting, when Ah’ve finished making ze love, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy.”
The redneck says, “That aint nothing. When I’ve finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin’ ceiling.”
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. “A less costly alternative,” said the doctor, “is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”
The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”
“Trust me,” said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
“1″
“2″
“3″
“4″
“5″
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.
Two good ole South Carolina boys were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
The 1st guy says, “If ‘n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, “Well, I rightly don’t know about kin, but it sure would make us even!
Clive and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Clive whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “By t’undering, I think Bud is dead! What should I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence…… and then a gun shot is heard. Clive comes back on the line : “Okay, now what?”
