bingbongboo fun

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had
several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets”, and ten
roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city
folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform
went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his
time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells. The farmer’s favorite rooster was
old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell
hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his
beak, so it couldn’t ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job
and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew
County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell
Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but
a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

The newswires have reported that the French Government has announced that it
has raised it’s terror alert level from ‘Run’ to ‘Hide’. The only two higher
levels in France are ‘Surrender’ and ‘Collaborate’. The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire, which destroyed France’s White Flag factory,
effectively disabling their military.

The Italians have increased their alert level from “shout loudly and
excitedly” to “elaborate military posturing”. Two more levels remain,
“ineffective combat operations” and “change sides”.

The Germans also increased their alert state from “disdainful arrogance” to
“dress in uniform and sing marching songs”. They have two higher levels,
“invade a neighbour” and “lose”.

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from
“isolationism” to “find somewhere else in the middle east ripe for regime
change”. Their remaining higher alert states are “take on the world” and
“ask the British for help”.

Finally in the UK  they’ve gone from “pretend nothing’s happening” to “make
another cup of tea”. Their higher levels are “remain resolutely cheerful”
and “win”.

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca ,  New York to talk about  the world. After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
“Kenneth,” came the reply.
“And what is your question, Kenneth?”
“I have three questions, Ma-am:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after  your  husband shamed the office?
And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left  the White House?”
..Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary  Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, “Okay where were we?
Oh, that’s right,  question time. Who has a question?”
This time a different little boy puts his hand up;
Hillary points him out  and asks him what his name is.
“Larry,” he said.
“And what is your question?”
“I have five questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health  care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your  husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you  took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?”

Latest state of emergency update:

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The normal level is “General Arrogance”, and the only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert:

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate military posturing”. Two more levels remain, “Ineffective combat operations” and “Change sides”.

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdain” to “Dress in uniform and sing marching songs”. They have two higher levels:
“Invade a neighbour” and “Lose”.

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from “Isolationism” to “Find another oil-rich nation for regime change”.
Their remaining higher alert states are “Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)” and “Beg the British for help”.

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered,”Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Bush’s clock?” asked the man.

“Bush’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Harrisburg, PA.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you kin be so much bigger ‘n me. We’re the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” said the big “gator, “What you been eatin’boy?”

“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small ‘gator.

“Hmm. Well, where do y’all catch ‘em?”

“Down ‘tother side of the swamp near the parkin’ lot by the capitol.”

“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ‘em?2

“Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab ‘em on the leg, shake the shit out of ‘em, and eat em!”

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. You ain’t gettin’ any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin’
the shit out of a Politician, there ain’t nothin’ left but an asshole and a briefcase”.