This morning, from somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammad Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America ’s supply of convenience store managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell Computer customer service reps, Motel 6 managers, and liquor store cashiers.
Who knew it would come to this.
It’s getting ugly
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose
Hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
Conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.
The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a post turtle’. Not being
Familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.
The old R ancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a country road and you
Come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post
Turtle.’
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued
To explain. ‘You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t
belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and
you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there.’
One day about a month ago, President Bush was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunette and
a redhead. To the blonde he said, “I am the President of the United
States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?”
She replied, $200.” To the brunette he asked the same question. Her
reply was $100. He then asked the redhead. Her reply was, “Mr.
President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties
as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and
keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my
apartment and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr.
President, it isn’t going to cost you a damn cent
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets”, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.
Vote carefully…the bells are not always audible.
Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
‘I can’t understand how you kin be so much bigger ‘ n me. We’re the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.’
‘Well,’ said the big ‘gator, ‘What you been eatin’, boy?’
‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small ‘gator.
‘Hmm. Well, where do y’all catch ‘em?’
‘Down ‘ other side of the swamp near the parkin’ lot by the capitol.’
‘Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ‘em?’
‘Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus and wait fer one to open the car door. Then I jump out, grab ‘em on the leg, shake the shit out of ‘em, and eat ‘em!’
‘Ah!’ says the big alligator, ‘I think I see your problem. You ain’t gettin’ any real nourishment.’ ‘See, by the time you get done shakin’ the shit out of a Politician, there ain’t nothin’ left but an asshole and a briefcase!’
“POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, AND FOR THE SAME REASON.”
