bingbongboo fun

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.

“There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice,” said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. “Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach .”

“That’s nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,” declared Mrs. Jones proudly. “Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami , and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house.”

Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. “Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody.”

“So what does she do?” asked the two women, turning to her.

“Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour – just to talk about me!”

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?’

The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases. In her 20s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50,
they are like onions’. ‘Onions?’

‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, ‘Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’ The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree’.

‘A Christmas tree?’ ‘Yes — dead from the root up and the balls are just
for decoration.

An elderly couple,Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’
Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’

Furious, Bert yelled,
‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’
‘Nope’, she replied.
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’
Without changing her expression,
Margaret replied,
‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.’

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

• In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what "honest" meant.
• In Western Europe they didn’t know what "shortage" meant.
• In Africa they didn’t know what "food" meant.
• In China they didn’t know what "opinion" meant.
• In the Middle East they didn’t know what "solution" meant.
• In South America they didn’t know what "please" meant.
• In the US they didn’t know what "the rest of the world" meant.
• And Finally………….. In Australia they hung up because they can’t understand an Indian accent

1) For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.

4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive — but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6) The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “General Protection Fault” warning light.

7) The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.

Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9) Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10) You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

11) You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought “Car95″ or “CarNT”. But then you would have to buy more seats.

12) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

13) Chances are if you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened

14) There would be 2 major engine manufactures; 1000 chassis to pick from; and an infinite number of part configurations to pick from

15) Dust would be your mortal enemy.

Exclamations:
“Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!”
“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”

Threats:
“I’ll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle.”
“This’ll jar your preserves.”
“Don’t you be makin’ me open a can o’ whoop-ass on ya!”

Good Things/Compliments:
“Cute as a sack full of puppies.”
“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”
“Gooder than grits.”

The Weather:
“It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”
“It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”
Wintry roads are said to be “slicker than otter snot.”

Descriptions:
A bothersome person is “like a booger that you can’t thump off.”
When something is bad then you say, “that ain’t no count.”
If something is hard to do, it’s “like trying to herd cats.”
“He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin.”
A hectic schedule keeps you “Busier than a cat covering crap on a
marble floor.”