American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.
You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe.
Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.
Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.
You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
You receive care packages from Europe.
Your bologna has no first name.
You rob Peter…and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.
McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
Consumer Credit Counseling services said “No.”
The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl named Peggy
in a exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment
when he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was
well groomed and apparently very intelligent.
Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection
of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors
and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked Peggy whether she preferred Port or Sherry
and she said, “Oh Sherry by all means. To me, it’s the nectar
of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter
fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When
the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured
into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m
lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m
about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins
to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly
played fills my ears and I’m transported into another
world. Port on the other hand, makes me fart.”
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it
First Published At The Eye
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s head.
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in lahore.
Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes,
I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Punjab.
I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long.
My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly.
I am playing hardly also.
Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller.
Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running.
Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone.
I am jolly. I am gay.
Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft.
I am always giving respect to the ladies.
I am always allowing ladies to get on top.
That is how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits.
I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else.
Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything.
Daily I am pumping and pumping.
If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you.
I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only.
What to do ? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday.
That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and
take my things into your hand.
If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you,
I will be loving you very hard every day.
In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim.
If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me,
I will press you and press you until you come.
So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet
and looking up with lots of hope.
I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon
Yours and only yours
Choudhary Warraich, born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore, Punjab
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel
after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
