During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. ‘Your jeep stuck, sir?’ asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
‘Nope,’ replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, ‘Yours is.’
The American Navy found they had too many Officers/NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any Officer/NCO who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.” It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to “drop ‘em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”
The old Chief calmly replied, ” Vietnam
St Peter walks up to the Pearly gates and knocks.
God asks what he wants. St Peter replies “Here’s that tenor I owe you!”
A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?” The sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel.” The captain said, “Well, if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me.” After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!” The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain’s quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?
The sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, “Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I’ll explain WHY later.”
The nun agreed.
Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the MP’s disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister, but you see I don’t want to go to Iraq.”
The nun said, “I think I can fully understand your fear.”
The soldier added, “I hope you don’t think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls………….I don’t want to go to Iraq either.”
While the soldiers stood at attention during a parade,
A private waved to someone in the audience.
“Jones, never do that again!” the drill instructor whispered.
But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time.
Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in
And barked for Jones to come front and enter.
“Son, you knew I was going to see you,” he screamed.
“You knew it was wrong. Aren’t you afraid of me?”
“Yes, sir!” replied Jones. “But you don’t know my mother!”
