A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf……Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us.”
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in”
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you…. You see, I’m a genie , and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!” “And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, genie?”"Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. I’d do the same for you!”
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.
“NO SHIT”, he said,”Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”

Anyway… this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.  He begs her, "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads.  I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Abracapokus! You’re brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow.  He says to the fairy godmother, "Wait a minute! My pecker’s still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies, "I don’t do willies.  You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods.  As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother.  He implores her, "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears.  None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, "Pokuscadabra!  You’re brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ol’ twig and berries.  They remain purple.  He says: "My wang is still purple!"

She says,"I don’t do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies, "Well that’s just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers, "That’s easy… just follow the YELLOW DICK TOAD!"

All of a sudden . . .POOF!!  In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.  She said, "I’m Mother Nature!  Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?  Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life:  Better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life… As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!  Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I’m over here in the pussy willows."

Dave shouts back, "DON’T SWING, FRED!  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T SWING!!!"

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie.  BUT this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.

‘Vell kid,’ said the genie, ‘you know how it voiks. You got three vishes.’

‘I’m not going to trust you,’ says the Arab. ‘I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!’

‘Vott’ya you got to lose? Looks ta me – you’re a gonner anyvay!’

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right.  ‘Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.’

** * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

‘Okee-dokee kiddo, vat’s your second vish?’

‘My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.’

** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.

‘Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good vone!’

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, ‘I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!’

** * * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you’re an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there’s going  to be a string attached.

the genie crosses his arms and says “alacazaam! POOF nigga, you’re a tampon”

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits
upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.   Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
“The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother”   The fairy godmother replied,
“It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,  “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,  “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
“Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…

Bet you’re sorry you neutered me.”

A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off

the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.    “For freeing me from my

prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?”    The man thought

for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has

ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”    “Allah Ka Zam!” said the

genie.  “You’re a housewife!”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change in payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke”. The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact amount. This becomes routine until the two enter some days later and the waitress says “The usual?”

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,”
says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact amount from his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a bottle of milk or a rolls royce the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “But sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Nervous, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the largest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique lamp was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that lamp for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.

“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.

“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”

“And now,” the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, genie?”

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that lamp and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”

“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. I’d do the same for you!”

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.

“No kidding,” he said, “Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years”? The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: “The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother”.

The fairy godmother replied “it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?” Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.” At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?” Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.” Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered……….

“Bet you’re sorry you neutered me.”