The teacher asks kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
First pupil: ‘Tylenol?’
Teacher: ‘Very good! And what is it used for?’
Pupil: ‘It is used for headaches’
Second pupil: ‘Nytol Teacher’
Teacher: ‘Excellent. And what it is used for?’
Pupil: ‘To help you sleep’
Now it is Johnny’s turn and he says: ‘Viagra’
Teacher, slightly shocked: ‘Johnny, What do you think is it used for?’
Johnny: ‘It can be used for diarrhea’
Teacher: ‘Who told you this?’
Johnny: ‘Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father …
‘Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder’
A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who
was bowlegged.
The boy pulled on Mom’s hand and said, “Momma, look at the bowlegged
man!”
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a
person and make that sort of comment.
For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn’t
go shopping again until he finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall.
Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last
time. So he pulled on his mother’s hand and said, “Lo, what manner of
men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?”
Little Johnny was standing in the bathroom of a store. Watching an older man pee in a urinal, little Johnny said, “My daddy has two of those.” The man asked, “Your daddy has two penises?”
Little Johnny replied, “Yes. He has the little one he pees out of and the big one he chases Momma around the house with.”
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite.”
“What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.”
“And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
“I would say, ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’”
The teacher fainted.
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
“What’s the moral of that story?” asked the teacher.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” “Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, ‘Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched’.”
“That was a fine story Sarah.” said the teacher. “Johnny, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”
“Stay the fuck away from Aunty Sharon when she’s been drinking.”
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”
Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own fucking business.
I borrowed these from Ron Knee’s Rants And Raves
