A lawyer goes to a nursing home to visit an elderly client. He notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can’t help himself and eats one after another.
By the time they have finished talking, the bowl is empty.
The lawyer says, “I’m so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all your peanuts.
“That’s okay,” says the elderly client. “They would have just sat there.
Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl”.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You really are a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary’s main witness. “You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards’ house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?”
“Objection, your honor,” shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.
“So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please, answer the question. What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?”
“Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”
A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, “Lawyers are assholes!”
A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back, “Hey! I resent that.
“The first guy asked, “Are you a lawyer?
“The second guy responded, “No, I’m an asshole.”
