Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.
“Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff….Dad. …I became a prostitute…” “Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.” “OK, Dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $1 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club……. (takes a breath)…. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and… …”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.
Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff….a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.”
“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.”
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar
One day an Irishman ,who had been stranded on a desert island for over 10 years,saw a speck on the horizon.He thought to himself,”It’s certainly not a ship.”
And, as the speck got closer and closer,he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blond!!
The glamorous blond strides up to the stunned Irishman and says to him”Tell me,how long has it been since you had a cigarette?”
“Ten years,”replies the amazed Irishman.With that,she reaches over and unzips a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve on her wetsuit,and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes.He takes one,lights it,and takes a long drag.”Faith and begorrah,”says the man,”that is so good I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Irish whiskey?” asks the blond.
Trembling, the castaway replies,”Ten years” Hearing that,the blond reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.He opens the flask and takes a long drink.”Tis nectar of the gods!” states the Irishman.”Tis truly fantastic!!!”
At this point the gorgeous blond starts to slowly unzip the long front of her wetsuit,right down the middle.
She looks at the trembling man and asks “And how long is it since you played around?”
With tears in his eyes,the Irishman falls to his knees and sobs,”Sweet Jesus! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour’s dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says “I’ve had enough of this”. He goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, “The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?”
Paddy says “I’ve put the dog in our yard . See how they like it now !”
Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?” asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: “Are you Irish?”
“If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?” demanded the Irishman indignantly.
“Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?”
Then, warming to his theme, he went on:”Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would ya? Would Ya?”
The assistant said: “Well no”.
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.
“And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?
“What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?”
“Well, I probably wouldn’t,” conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, “Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Irish just because I askedfor Irish sausages?”
The assistant replied: “Because, Sir…. you’re in Home Depot!”
