An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. ‘So,’ says the cop to the driver, ‘where have ya been?’

‘Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,’ slurs the drunk.

‘Well,’ says the cop, ‘it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.’

‘I did all right,’ the drunk says with a smile.

‘Did you know,’ says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, ‘that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?’

‘Oh, thank heavens,’ sighs the drunk. ‘for a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.’

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O’Connor looks around and asks, ‘Oh, me boys, someone got’s to tell Paddy’s wife.. Who will it be?’

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

‘Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.’

Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, ‘Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.’

‘Tell him to drop dead!’, says Murphy’s wife..

‘I’ll go tell him.’ says Gallagher.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, ‘Ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. 
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. 
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. 
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’
Patton said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’
‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ….. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ 
The man said, ‘I do, Father.’
The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’
Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
‘Certainly, Father,’ the man replied. 
‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’ 
The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York  and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. 
He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’
‘Just water,’ says the priest.
The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’
The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’

Paddy was in  New York
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’   Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.
He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop ha d shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.  

Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’ 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed
a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the
dice. She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m
completely nude’. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new
clothes!’ As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’
The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’
MORAL OF THE STORY –
Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men…are, well, men.

As Paddy lay dying he called for his two best friends, Murphy and Seamus, to come to his bedside.

“I want you to promise me that when I’m gone you will bury me at sea”.

His two friends promised that his last wish would be carried out for him.

After the funeral, the two friends hired a rowing boat and after rowing for a while, Murphy said “This looks deep enough!”, and jumped out of the boat only to find the water only came up to his knees.

They rowed out further, and Murphy found that the water came up to his waist when he jumped out again.

Further still they rowed out, and the next time Murphy jumped out, he disappeared under the water and was gone for a couple of minutes.

Coming back to the surface, he shouted to Seamus “Hey, this spot will do Paddy just nicely, hand me the shovel”.