bingbongboo fun

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am"

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, ‘I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.’

The husband replies, ‘That’s no big thing in this day and age.’

The wife continues, ‘Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.’

‘Oh yeah? Who was the guy?’

‘Tiger Woods..’

‘Tiger Woods, the golfer?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.’

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

‘What are you doing?’ asks the wife.

The husband says, ‘I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.’

‘Tiger wouldn’t do that.’

‘Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?’

‘He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.’

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. ‘Now what are you doing?’ she asks.

The husband says, ‘I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.’

‘Tiger wouldn’t do that.’

‘Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?’

He’d come back to bed and do it again.’

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, ‘Are you calling room service?’

‘No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.’

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘How do you stay in such great physical condition?’

I’m Scottish and I am a golfer,’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.’

‘Well,’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?’

‘Who said my Da’s deid?’

The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old Scottish golfer. ‘In fact he golfed wi’ me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s Scottish and he’s a golfer, too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s dad? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my grandad’s died?’ Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’

‘No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin’ because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to?

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, ‘What’s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!’

The Indian Doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!’

The Chinese Businessman called out ‘Move it, time is money’

The Catholic Priest said, ‘Here comes George the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.’

‘Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, ‘What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’

George the greens keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.’

The group fell silent for a moment rather embarrassed of their thoughts and comments.

The Catholic Priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’

The Indian Doctor said, ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.’

The Chinese Businessman replied, ‘I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls.

The Aussie said, ‘Why can’t they play at fucking night?’

A man goes to a public golf course.

He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, “I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.”

The man behind the counter says, “The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: we just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.”

The golfer obviously accepted the man’s offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, “I think my driver will do the job.”

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, “No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.”

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assist ance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, “I think this green is gonna break left to right.”

The robot then again spoke up and said, “No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left”

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

But his luck didn’t end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, “How was your game ?” The golfer stated, “It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots.

See you next week.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.

Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, “I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.”

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, “Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.”

Confused, the golfer cried, “COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could’ve complained about those robots? They were incredible”

The man sighed and said, “Well, it wasn’t their performance.

It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way. ”

The golfer said, “So then why didn’t you just paint them black?”

The man nodded sadly and replied, “We did. Then four of ‘em didn’t show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President.