The testicles of a midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem..
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.
The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. “Aha!” mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

“Aha!” said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side……….then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said,” How does that feel now?”

The midget replied, “Perfect Doc, and I didn’t even feel it.
What did you do?

The doctor replied “I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots.”

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith to see about enlarging her breasts.

Dr Smith advised her ‘Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,’Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!’

She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose er lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, ‘Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ‘Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s?’
‘Yes I am… how did you know?’

He winked and whispered, ‘Hickory dickory dock…’

I saw her yesterday, and she’s absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you……”

The second surgeon said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost an arm and both
legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold
medal in track and field events in the Olympics.

“The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years a go a woman
was high on cocaine and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling at
80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman’s blonde hair
and the horse’s ass. I was able to put them together and now she’s running
for President.”

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body”,
while the Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing
and the Radiologists could see right through it!

The Physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow;
and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The Anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas
and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some a-hole in Administration.

“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The Irishman nodded…”I’ll tell you though, beJaysuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day.”

From hunger, you mean?”

“No, from fo*kin’ skippin’ “the Irishman said.

Listen, Bob, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Stan replies.
There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a lot cheaper than adoctor.”
So Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctor’s certificate for your employer”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was.

Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.
He then went back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the computer.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. In ten seconds the computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.
And, as always . Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?”

She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number?”

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.” After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, “Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
“Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked.
“No, I don’t” she replied.
Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.”
She didn’t crack a smile.
“Oh, well. I tried,” he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
I was just picturing how condoms are made!” she said.