November 10th, 2007
13:48
Doctor
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
they had performed. One of them said, “I’m the best surgeon in Arkansas . In
my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I
reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the
Queen of England .”
The second surgeon said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost an arm and both
legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold
medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
“The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years a go a woman
was high on cocaine and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling at
80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman’s blonde hair
and the horse’s ass. I was able to put them together and now she’s running
for President.”
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital,
the Allergists voted to scratch it and
the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body”,
while the Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing
and the Radiologists could see right through it!
The Physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow;
and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.
The Anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas
and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some a-hole in Administration.
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The Irishman nodded…”I’ll tell you though, beJaysuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day.”
From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from fo*kin’ skippin’ “the Irishman said.
One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley , “My elbow
hurts like crazy. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”
Listen, Bob, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Stan replies.
There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a lot cheaper than adoctor.”
So Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctor’s certificate for your employer”
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was.
Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.
He then went back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the computer.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. In ten seconds the computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.
And, as always . Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.
It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?”
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ’s Hospital.
She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number?”
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.” After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, “Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”
The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.
