T’was the night before Christmas
When all through the house,
The whole damn family was drunk as a louse.
Grandpa and Grandma were singin’ a song,
And the kid was in bed flogging his dong.
Ma home from the cathouse,
And I, out of jail, had just settled
Down for a good piece of tail.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I jumped off of Ma to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I made a mad dash,
Threw open the window and fell out on my ass.
And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and a dozen reindeer.
With a little old driver holding his prick,
I knew in a moment that bastard was Nick.
Slower than snails his chargers they came.
He bitched and he swore as he called them by name.
“Now Dancer, now Prancer, up over the walls.
Quick now, damn it, or I’ll cut off your balls!”
When up on the roof he stumbled and fell,
And came down the chimney like a bat out of Hell.
He staggered and stumbled and went to the door
He tripped on his dick and fell to the floor.
I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
“Piss on you all, it’s a Hell of a night.”
Day 1: Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las’night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in de swamp so I swap it for a Satsuma.
Day 2: Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3: Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some crawfish? I’m tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux. Marie needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.
Day 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux! I tol you no more friggin birds. Deez four, what you call dem “calling birds” were so noisy you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators.
Day 5: Dear Boudreaux, You finally sen’ somethin useful. I like dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at de Raisin’ Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Day 6: Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor egg suckin’ Phideaux is scared to death at dem six gaeases. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem wit erster dressing on Christmas day.
Day 7: Dear Boudreaux, I’m gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin’ up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of de water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 8: Dear Boudreaux, poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweepinq the shack but dey say it wasn’t in dair contract. Dey probably think dey too good ta skin nutrias I caught las night.
Day 9: Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin. Mon Dieu, Emile. What I’m gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip greens.
Day 10: Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman don’t kill you, I will fo sure. Today he deliver tem half nikid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be Ladies Dancin but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I had to butcher two cows to feed toute le monde an had to get toilet paper. The Sears catalog wasn’t good enuf fer dose hoity-toity Lords’ royal behinies.
Day 11: Dear Boudreaux, where y’at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your eleven pipers piping arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off de boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya, finished da whiskey and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he drink a bottle of Jack Daniel an he having a good time yeah dancing with de floozies. Thibeau he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it.
Day 12: Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman’s club on de bayou. The floozies (pardon me, Ladies Dancing) can make $20 for a table dance, and de Lords can be waiters an valet park de boats. Since de maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimping business. We will probably gross maybe a million clams nex year. Noel et bon anni. aaaaaaiiiiiiEEEEEEEeeeeeeee
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ’sell by’ date.
9. You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honour of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “These are Carols.”
A man went into a pet shop looking to buy a Parrot for his wife. he saw a parrot on the window of this pet store so he went in and asked the Clerk if the parrot talked and he said yes and he sings Christmas Carols too, if I hold a lighter to his left leg he sings jingle bells and if I put the lighter to his right leg he sings silent night. The man interested in the parrot said I have got to see that. So the clerk proceeded to show him and when the clerk held the lighter to the left leg the parrot started to sing jingle bells and then he moved the lighter to the right leg and the parrot begins to sing silent night. So the man thought it was cute and decided to take it home to his wife. He got it home and showed her how it sang the christmas carols by holding the lighter to each leg, and the wife asked her husband what would happen if we put the lighter between the parrots legs, So out of curiousity they tried it and the parrot started to sing Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
