A woman recently received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
She tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else she could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, she was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. She shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, she threw up her hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that she hurt the parrot, she quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto her outstretched arm and said ‘I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior.’
She was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As she was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, ‘May I ask what the turkey did?’
panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of chips
he eats it, then pulls out a shotgun, shoots the waiter and heads for the exit
the manager calls after him “what the fuck?”
panda calls back “i’m a panda. look it up”
manager gets out a dictionary. “PANDA: Large black and white bear. Eats shoots and leaves”
Two guys walking down the street see a male dog licking his
tool. One guy looks at the other and says,”I wish I could do that.” The
other replies,”You probably can, just pet him first to make sure he is
friendly.
‘1′
Blaming your farts on me…..
not funny… not funny at all !!!
————————————————–
‘2′
Yelling at me for barking.
I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG, YOU IDIOT!
————————————————–
‘3′
Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
————————————————-
‘4′
Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!
————————- ————————-
‘5′
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you’re not home.
’6′
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Woo Hoo what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.<
————————————! —– ———
‘7′
Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”,
then acting surprised when I freak
out every time we go back!
————————————————–
‘8′
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
————————————————–
‘9′
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven’t you noticed the fur?
————————————————–
‘10′
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You’re just jealous.
——– ——————————————
Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who’s boss here!
You don’t see me picking up your poop do you?
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” “HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”
An atheist was walking through the woods.
“What majestic trees”!
“What powerful rivers”!
“What beautiful animals”!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian”?
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord………… Amen.”
