There was this guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies. But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge etc.
This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don’t come in and make another scene.
Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.
"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed" she told him.
"Oh, relax,"says he, "I’ll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I’ll be gone."
"Just keep your mouth shut," says she again.
Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.
She ‘flipped’ and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said,"wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story."
"I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets”, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.
Vote carefully…the bells are not always audible.
Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
‘I can’t understand how you kin be so much bigger ‘ n me. We’re the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.’
‘Well,’ said the big ‘gator, ‘What you been eatin’, boy?’
‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small ‘gator.
‘Hmm. Well, where do y’all catch ‘em?’
‘Down ‘ other side of the swamp near the parkin’ lot by the capitol.’
‘Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ‘em?’
‘Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus and wait fer one to open the car door. Then I jump out, grab ‘em on the leg, shake the shit out of ‘em, and eat ‘em!’
‘Ah!’ says the big alligator, ‘I think I see your problem. You ain’t gettin’ any real nourishment.’ ‘See, by the time you get done shakin’ the shit out of a Politician, there ain’t nothin’ left but an asshole and a briefcase!’
On a hot summer day, a old boy came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The oldboy said that it was his.
The policeman said, “Your dog seems to be in heat.” T
he old boy replies, “No way dog’s in heat she’s cool kawse I got ‘er tied unner the shade tree.”
The policeman says, “No! You don’t understand your dog needs to be bred.
“No way,” the oldboy says, “dog don’t need bread, she ain’t hongry, kawse I fed ‘ER beef jerky this mornin’.”
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; “NO! You don’t seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!”
The oldboy looks at him with a long pause and says, “Go ‘head. I always wanted a police dog!”
Q. What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A. The Southern zoo has a description
of the animal on the front of the cage
along with a recipe.
Q. What do you call a Mississippi
farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.
