A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, “Hi there good lookin’. How’s it going?” Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean … It doesn’t matter to me, I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it.”
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, “No kidding. I’m a lawyer too. What firm are you with?”
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!”
The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!”
The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker
still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,”I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!”
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says “Grandpa,……. Go home, you’re drunk.
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?”
“Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”
“Sure is bubba!”
“And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?”
“Yep.”
“And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer.”
“But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin . .. What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, ‘I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.’ She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, ‘It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.’
She replied, ‘You mean it shows that, too?’
It was a hot day in Minnesota.
Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went
downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. “Gootness, it’s hotter Dan hell
today,” she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed
tavern and thought , “Vy nodt? So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
“Ya know,” Helga said, “it is zo hot, I tink I’ll have myself a cold beer!”
“Anheuser Busch?” the bartender asked.
Helga blushed and replied, “Vell fine, tanks, und how’s yur viener?”
