An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. ‘So,’ says the cop to the driver, ‘where have ya been?’

‘Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,’ slurs the drunk.

‘Well,’ says the cop, ‘it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.’

‘I did all right,’ the drunk says with a smile.

‘Did you know,’ says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, ‘that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?’

‘Oh, thank heavens,’ sighs the drunk. ‘for a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.’

One Monday morning the UPS guy is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles..

“Wow. Bob”, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night, the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk aroundmidnight that’s when we started playing “WHO AM I.”

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play “WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet…then the women try to guess who it is.”

The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up seven times.”

A  large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked  into a bar in Dublin .?
She raised her right  arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed  to all the people sitting at the bar, and asked,  ‘What man here will buy a lady a  drink?’
The bar went silent as the patrons  tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the  bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on  the counter and bellowed,
‘Give the  ballerina a drink!’
The bartender poured  the drink, and the woman chugged it  down.
She turned to the patrons, and again  pointed around at all of them, revealing the same  very hairy armpit, and asked, ‘What man here will  buy a lady a drink?’
Once again, the same  little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and  said,
‘Give the ballerina another  drink!’
The bartender approached the little  drunk and said, *’Tell me, Paddy, it’s your  business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but  why do you keep calling her a ballerina?’
The  drunk replied, ‘Any woman who can lift her leg  that high….. has got to be a  ballerina!’

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M MARRIED!"

Moral :

Self-induced hangover – $400.00

Broken crockery – $800.00

Breakfast – $10.00

Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS"

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.
He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the  other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. 

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any  alcohol at all!  

Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. 
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud guy.
"Tonight I’m the designated decoy."

"Aaaahhh. There’s your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I’ve got the wife on American beer!"

 Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

  Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’

  He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

  Shamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’

  Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’

  He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

  Seamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it… Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’

  Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t worry, I have a plan. Cheers!’

  They downed their drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’

  The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

  They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free…

  At the tenth pub Seamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me!’

Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.’

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

Flynn said, “Why you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Mary said, “It could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…..it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.

“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”