bingbongboo fun

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. ‘So,’ says the cop to the driver, ‘where have ya been?’

‘Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,’ slurs the drunk.

‘Well,’ says the cop, ‘it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.’

‘I did all right,’ the drunk says with a smile.

‘Did you know,’ says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, ‘that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?’

‘Oh, thank heavens,’ sighs the drunk. ‘for a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.’

One Monday morning the UPS guy is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles..

“Wow. Bob”, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night, the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk aroundmidnight that’s when we started playing “WHO AM I.”

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play “WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet…then the women try to guess who it is.”

The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up seven times.”

A  large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked  into a bar in Dublin .?
She raised her right  arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed  to all the people sitting at the bar, and asked,  ‘What man here will buy a lady a  drink?’
The bar went silent as the patrons  tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the  bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on  the counter and bellowed,
‘Give the  ballerina a drink!’
The bartender poured  the drink, and the woman chugged it  down.
She turned to the patrons, and again  pointed around at all of them, revealing the same  very hairy armpit, and asked, ‘What man here will  buy a lady a drink?’
Once again, the same  little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and  said,
‘Give the ballerina another  drink!’
The bartender approached the little  drunk and said, *’Tell me, Paddy, it’s your  business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but  why do you keep calling her a ballerina?’
The  drunk replied, ‘Any woman who can lift her leg  that high….. has got to be a  ballerina!’

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M MARRIED!"

Moral :

Self-induced hangover – $400.00

Broken crockery – $800.00

Breakfast – $10.00

Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS"

Recently, during a routine patrol, a  policeman parked across the street from a Legion Hall just off the Main Rd.
After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. 

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.
He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the  other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. 

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any  alcohol at all!  

Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. 
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud guy.
"Tonight I’m the designated decoy."

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There’s your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I’ve got the wife on American beer!"