I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind,
can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.
She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
“How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied.
“Two years older than me”
“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.
She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married — for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. ‘He’s a funeral director,’ she answered. ‘Interesting,’ the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, later on a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’
On a hot summer day, a old boy came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The oldboy said that it was his.
The policeman said, “Your dog seems to be in heat.” T
he old boy replies, “No way dog’s in heat she’s cool kawse I got ‘er tied unner the shade tree.”
The policeman says, “No! You don’t understand your dog needs to be bred.
“No way,” the oldboy says, “dog don’t need bread, she ain’t hongry, kawse I fed ‘ER beef jerky this mornin’.”
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; “NO! You don’t seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!”
The oldboy looks at him with a long pause and says, “Go ‘head. I always wanted a police dog!”
Q. How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the “F” word?
A. Get another sweet little
80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
