Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
Don’t worry,’ Jack said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, ‘Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago ?’
‘Yes, I do.’ said Bob.
‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit ?’
‘Well, um, yes !,’ Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.”
And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?’
‘She just died and left me everything.’
A fart it is a pleasant thing
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known,
To sound like a song!
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while…
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true -
We must never forget..
Sweet old farts like you!
March 29th, 2008
08:01
Age, Men
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger,
sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore——-under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is
that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way
to Egypt."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+
year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly—–wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet
and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems
with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is
a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they
enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…
older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
February 14th, 2008
16:13
Age
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
