bingbongboo fun

My doctor referred me to a urologist.

To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful, and unbelievably sexy looking.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, “Because I am trying to examine you.”

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler’s trainer came to him and said “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.”

The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”

The trainer exclaimed “That’s what finished him off?”

“Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.”

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, ‘What’s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!’

The Indian Doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!’

The Chinese Businessman called out ‘Move it, time is money’

The Catholic Priest said, ‘Here comes George the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.’

‘Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, ‘What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’

George the greens keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.’

The group fell silent for a moment rather embarrassed of their thoughts and comments.

The Catholic Priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’

The Indian Doctor said, ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.’

The Chinese Businessman replied, ‘I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls.

The Aussie said, ‘Why can’t they play at fucking night?’

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase ‘Spending a Penny’ is not to be used after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: ‘Euronating’.

Thank you for your attention.

Brussels Bureaucracy.

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says, “John, what are you so happy for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and a redhead came up to me… tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!

She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave. She couldn’t swim!”

After a couple of days Dave walks again into that bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, “What are you happy about today John?”

“Well Dave… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxin’ my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me… tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!

She said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I told her ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave! She couldn’t swim!”

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.

Dave says, “John, what are you so sad for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’

So I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said “It’s either screw or swim!” She pulled down her pants and….. She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! … and I can’t swim Dave! I can’t swim!”

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots.. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, ‘I’ve got bad news for you — you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.’

The man looks a little perplexed and says: ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.’

The doctor answers: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.’

The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.’

The doctor replies: ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.’

The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: ‘Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.’

The guy says to the doctor: ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!’

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: ‘Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!’

‘Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.

‘ Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor, ‘You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself.