Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”
Flynn said, “Why you say such a mean thing?”
“Well,” Mary said, “It could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…..it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do, Father.”
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”
The priest said, “I don’t believe this.. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes! I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
April 19th, 2008
23:20
Men
Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.
“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”
After failing his “Logistics and Organization” exam, a student confronted his professor. “Sir, do you understand anything about this subject?”
“Of course. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”
“Really? Then allow me to ask you one question. If you answer it correctly, I’ll accept my failing grade and leave quietly But if you don’t know the answer, I want an “A” on my exam.”
“Okay. It’s a deal. What’s your question?”
“What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
After long consideration the professor conceded and changed the student’s score to an “A.”
Afterwards the professor asked one of his best students the same question.
The good student answered immediately: “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35-year-old woman which is legal but not logical. Your wife has a 22-year-old lover which is logical but not legal. And the fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A” when he should have failed is neither legal nor logical!”
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big
fuckin’ red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.
