An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.
“Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff….Dad. …I became a prostitute…” “Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.” “OK, Dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $1 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club……. (takes a breath)…. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and… …”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.
Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff….a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.”
“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.”
March 29th, 2008
08:01
Age, Men
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger,
sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore——-under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is
that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way
to Egypt."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+
year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly—–wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet
and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems
with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is
a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they
enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
March 27th, 2008
07:59
Wife
A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it is his turn, he pulls out a gun and robs the bank. But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The customer replies, “YES!”
The bank robber raises his gun, points it at the guy’s head, and -
BANG!!!!! SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD, AND KILLS HIM!
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, “Did you see me rob this bank.”
The man calmly responds, “No, but my wife did!”
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided tobuy her husband a gift.
Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf. The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest.
“How much is it?” she asked. “One-hundred and fifty dollars,”he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
“But it comes with an inscription,” the pro said.
“What kind of inscription?” she asked.
“Whatever you wish,” he explained. “But, one of the old golfers’ favorites is: ‘Never Up, Never In.’”
“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place.”
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
‘You ‘have been to France before, monsieur?’ the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. ‘Zen, you should know enough to ‘have your passport ready for inspection.’
The American said, ‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.’
‘Impossible. You Americans always ‘have to show your passports on arrival in France !’
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ‘Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in ‘44 I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, ‘Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.’ Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, ‘What do you want?’
‘Nothing important, sir,’ the airman replied, ‘I’m just here to hook up your telephone.’
