January 31st, 2008
15:36
Age
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married — for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. ‘He’s a funeral director,’ she answered. ‘Interesting,’ the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, later on a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’
On a hot summer day, a old boy came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The oldboy said that it was his.
The policeman said, “Your dog seems to be in heat.” T
he old boy replies, “No way dog’s in heat she’s cool kawse I got ‘er tied unner the shade tree.”
The policeman says, “No! You don’t understand your dog needs to be bred.
“No way,” the oldboy says, “dog don’t need bread, she ain’t hongry, kawse I fed ‘ER beef jerky this mornin’.”
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; “NO! You don’t seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!”
The oldboy looks at him with a long pause and says, “Go ‘head. I always wanted a police dog!”
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small
sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent
say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!” So the married
couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you
would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. ”
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after
what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them,
being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?
The Jamaican replied, “Just try dem on, Mon.” Well, the husband,
after some badgering from his wife,finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,
something his wife hadn’t seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the
husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down
his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming,
“You got dem on de wrong feet!”
Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run,
jump or swim are already in the United
States.
Q. What’s the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale???
A. A Northern fairytale begins, “Once
upon a time…”
A Southern fairytale begins, “Y’all ain’t
gonna believe this shit.”
Q. How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the “F” word?
A. Get another sweet little
80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
