bingbongboo fun

Newsflash!

Newsflash: Snow White has been kicked out of Disneyland. She is reported to have pulled up her skirt, sat on Pinnochio’s face and shouted “Lie u bastard, LIE”

Extracts From Real Letters

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK:

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our loo seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.

Flight Attendant

The plane’s cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.”

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch.”

Court Docket

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, ‘Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.

But,Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident’… I just lost it.’

‘CASE DISMISSED!!’

Greetings Of The Season!

T’was the night before Christmas
When all through the house,
The whole damn family was drunk as a louse.
Grandpa and Grandma were singin’ a song,
And the kid was in bed flogging his dong.

Ma home from the cathouse,
And I, out of jail, had just settled
Down for a good piece of tail.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I jumped off of Ma to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I made a mad dash,
Threw open the window and fell out on my ass.
And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and a dozen reindeer.

With a little old driver holding his prick,
I knew in a moment that bastard was Nick.
Slower than snails his chargers they came.
He bitched and he swore as he called them by name.

“Now Dancer, now Prancer, up over the walls.
Quick now, damn it, or I’ll cut off your balls!”
When up on the roof he stumbled and fell,
And came down the chimney like a bat out of Hell.

He staggered and stumbled and went to the door
He tripped on his dick and fell to the floor.
I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
“Piss on you all, it’s a Hell of a night.”

Men Are Like…

Government Bonds …. They take soooooooo long to mature.