bingbongboo fun

Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” “HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”

Phil wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy.

Phil agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office.

At a crucial moment during the procedure, one of Phil’s testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it. The doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse’s desk and realized it was the right size and weight, so he placed it in Phil’s scrotum and completed the operation.

A few months later, Phil returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going, Phil replied. “Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife’s not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection.”

An atheist was walking through the woods.

“What majestic trees”!
“What powerful rivers”!
“What beautiful animals”!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian”?
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord………… Amen.”

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten pounds and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’

‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told me.

‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ I asked.

‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said.
‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ I asked.

‘Are you NUTS !’ replied the homeless woman. ‘ I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’

‘Well,’ I said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’

The homeless woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’

I said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.

Hitler, Elvis and Freddie Mercury are all sitting in hell, just minding their own business.
Suddenly they are all summoned to see Satan.
Satan tells them that they’ve been given a reprieve, and are being sent back to Earth.
There is a condition however, they all know what killed them so any attempt to fall back into bad habits and they would be straight back in hell.
So, they all get sent back to earth and are delighted. They start walking down the street, when all of a sudden they pass a group of Jewish men.
This is too much for Hitler and he rushes over and punches one in the mouth.
Suddenly he vanishes in a puff of smoke.
“What a dumbass” laugh Elvis and Freddie
So they keep walking and pass a McDonalds
Elvis says “Oh man, lets go in” but remembering what Satan told him adds “Uhh, I’ll just have a milkshake”
So they go into McDonalds, Elvis buys a milkshake and is heading back to a table when he spies a burger that has been dropped on the floor.
This is just simply too much for Elvis, so he bends down to pick it up
and Freddie Mercury disappears.