A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly “Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t. The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
“I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,” replied the greeter. “I just couldn’t believe someone would have sex with you twice.”
“Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”
September 29th, 2007
12:11
Irish
Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?” asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: “Are you Irish?”
“If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?” demanded the Irishman indignantly.
“Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?”
Then, warming to his theme, he went on:”Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would ya? Would Ya?”
The assistant said: “Well no”.
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.
“And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?
“What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?”
“Well, I probably wouldn’t,” conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, “Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Irish just because I askedfor Irish sausages?”
The assistant replied: “Because, Sir…. you’re in Home Depot!”
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer has going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’
That’s when she shot him.
I can sympathise with the Italians after the death of Pavorotti
I know what it’s like to lose a tenner…
With the death of Pavarotti the Three Tenors will from now on be called
twenty quid!
Tickets are available for Pavarotti’s funeral - only a tenor!
St Peter walks up to the Pearly gates and knocks.
God asks what he wants. St Peter replies “Here’s that tenor I owe you!”
