A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”
“The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up!”
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you dressed like this?
The Cowboy says, “Well it’s like this Sheriff… I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt… so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants… so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, “Now go to town cowboy.”
And here I am.
Son of a gun, blonde men do exist!
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
“Why are you stopping darling?” she whispered.
He whispered back, “I found the remote!”
On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree.
The redneck said that it was his.
The policeman said, “Your dog seems to be in heat.”
The redneck replies, “No way dog’s in heat—she’s cool cause I got ‘er tied under the shade of the tree.”
The policeman says, “No! You don’t understand– your dog needs to be bred.
“No way,” the redneck says, “dog don’t need bread, she’s not hungry, cause I fed her beef jerky this mornin’.”
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; “NO! You don’t seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!”
The redneck looks at him and says, “Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!”
“Y’all got any American razor blades in here?” the Texan asked the London pharmacist. “All I see are these damn Wilkinsons.”
“Sir” the Englishman patiently replied, “Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo.”
“I don’t give a damn if they passed them out on Noah’s Ark if they ain’t any good,” the Texan retorted.
“I assure you they are very good sir.” The peeved druggist said. “Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbour, cut two of a delivery boy’s fingers off at the knuckle, and I still got 10 shaves out of it.”
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
“What’s the moral of that story?” asked the teacher.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” “Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, ‘Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched’.”
“That was a fine story Sarah.” said the teacher. “Johnny, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”
“Stay the fuck away from Aunty Sharon when she’s been drinking.”
