One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment . Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence. She began coolly, “Yes, your honour, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly.”
An American is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: “You American folk eat the whole bread?”
American (in a bad mood): “Of course.”
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) “We don’t. In France , we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states..”
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: “Do you eat jelly with the bread”
American: “Of Course.”
Frenchman: (Cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). “We don’t. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states.”
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: “Do you have sex in France ?”
Frenchman: “Why of course we do”, he says with a big smirk.
American: “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”
Frenchman: “We throw them away, of course.”
American: “We don’t. In America , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France “
A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for “small, $6,500 for “medium, $14,000 for “large.”
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.
The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, “I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
He never heard the shot.
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him!
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, “Are you a good golfer”? To which the man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I ?!?! ”
People were in their pews talking at church Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 44 years.”
