A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, “Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I’ll explain WHY later.”
The nun agreed.
Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the MP’s disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister, but you see I don’t want to go to Iraq.”
The nun said, “I think I can fully understand your fear.”
The soldier added, “I hope you don’t think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls………….I don’t want to go to Iraq either.”
A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-
workers saw him they asked him what had happened.
He told them it had happened at church. They didn’t believe him, and
wanted to know what really happened.
So he told them, “I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed.
When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the
biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack,
so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her.
She did not like that, so she hit me.” The guys laughed and ribbed him
about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again
the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he’d got beaten
up at church.
Again they didn’t believe him, so he explained, “I went to the church.
I got on my knees and prayed.
When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same
big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack.”
At this point the other men interrupted and said, “Please tell us you
didn’t pull her dress out of her crack again?”
“No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn’t like that,
so I shoved it back in.”
Two good ole South Carolina boys were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
The 1st guy says, “If ‘n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, “Well, I rightly don’t know about kin, but it sure would make us even!
… man with tight trousers, pressing his luck.
… man who throw dirt, losing ground.
… man who fishes in other’s holes, get crabs.
… he who live in stone house, should not throw glasses.
… cow with no legs, ground beef.
… two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn.
… baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become
shiftless.
… bird in hand, make difficult to blow nose.
… finding old man in dark, not hard.
… man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam.
… man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.
… man who go to bed with itchy ass, wake with stinky finger.
… war not determine who right, war determine who left.
… naked man fear no pickpocket.
… squirrel who run up woman’s leg, not find nuts.
… woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom.
… support bacteria, is only culture some people have.
… man who eat too many jellybean, fart in Technicolor.
… man who marry girl with no bust, have right to feel low down.
… man with athletic finger, make broad jump.
… man who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons.
… he who sit on upturned tack, rise above all.
… even greatest of whales, helpless in desert.
… wash face in morning, neck at night.
June 17th, 2007
17:05
Sex
A couple were sitting up waiting for their 15 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.
Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! “he said breathlessly. Guess what! I’ve just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!”
His mother turned red and said to her husband, “He’s your son. You talk to him”. Then she left the room.
The father said “Son, that’s great. Now you’ve become a man and I’m proud of you. I’m going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you’ve been wanting. I hope you don’t mind waiting till payday to get it”.
“That’s OK, Dad”, said the boy. “I couldn’t ride it right now anyway. My ass is too sore………….”
A blonde’s car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers…
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blond of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?”
“My car broke down, Officer” says the woman, calmly.
“Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the Officer…
“Oh, those are my emergency flashers!” she replied.
