A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern in South Daytona and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of locals.
Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile, “can I help you?”
“I was wondering,” whispers the biker, “are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?”
“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”
The old biker replies, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”
How a BOYS withdraws cash from ATM
1. Park the car
2. Go to ATM Machine
3. Insert card
4. Enter PIN
5. Take money out
6. Take ATM Card out
7. Drive away
How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM
1. Park the car
2. Check makeup
3. Turn off engine
4. Check makeup
5. Go to ATM
6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7. Insert card
8. Hit Cancel
9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10. Insert card
11. Enter PIN
12. Take cash
13. Go to car
14. Check makeup
15. Start car
16. Stop car
17. Run back to ATM
18. Take ATM card
19. Back to car
20. Check makeup
21. Start car
22. Check makeup
23. Drive for 1/2 mile
24. Release handbrake
25. Drive on.
There once was an Indian whose given name was “Onestone.” So named because He had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call Him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If Anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!” The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone.” He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where He made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next Day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him & said, “Good to see you, Onestone.”
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made Love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!
Why Not?
You can’t kill two birds with one stone!
Aries:
“Okay, let’s do it again!”
Taurus:
“I’m hungry pass the food.”
Gemini:
“Have you seen the remote?”
Cancer:
“When are we getting married?”
Leo:
“Wasn’t I fantastic?”
Virgo:
“I need to wash the sheets.”
Libra:
“I liked it if you liked it.”
Scorpio:
“Perhaps I should untie you.”
Sagittarius:
“Don’t call me I’ll call you.”
Capricorn:
“Do you have a business card?”
Aquarius:
“Now let’s try it with our clothes off!”
Pisces:
“What did you say your name was again?”
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
“Is it wine?” she guessed.
“No,” the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, “Champagne?.
“No,” said the little boy…”It’s a puppy!”
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, an up and coming gunfighter recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. “Do you think you could give me some tips?” he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.” “Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.
“Sure will,” replied the old-timer..
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
“That’s terrific!” said the hot shot. “Got any more tips for me?”
“Yep,” said the old man. “Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.” “Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the younger man.
“You bet it will,” said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
“Wow!” exclaimed the cowboy, “I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?”
The old man point ed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. “See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.”
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
“No,” said the old-timer, “I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.” “Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.
“No,” said the old-timer, “but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.”
