bingbongboo fun

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though
they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their
pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the
wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and
their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took
them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully
stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen
hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be
your home now.”

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,”
Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf
course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.

“What are the greens fees?”, grumbled the old man.

“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to
exotic deserts, free flowing beverages

“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man. “This is Heaven, it is all free
for you to enjoy.”

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the
decaffeinated tea?” he asked.

“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as
you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.

This is Heaven!”

The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?”

“Not unless you want to,” was the answer.

“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your bran muffins. We
could have been here ten years ago!

For his birthday little Johnny asked for a new bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $180,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!”

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?”

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ’s Hospital.

She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number?”

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.” After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, “Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to
make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as
clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some
really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their “tourist” garb. They
were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery
when a “drop dead gorgeous” topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking
straight towards
them. They couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father. Good
morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she
passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were
priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous
outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to
enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different colored
thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each
of them, said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,” and started to walk
away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, “Just a minute, young
lady.”

“Yes, Father?”

“We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you
know we are priests, dressed as we are?”

She replied, “Father, it’s me, Sister Mary Katherine.”

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “magic”.

“Wow!” I said. “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now. I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me.”
She just giggled and said she was sure I’d “rise” to the challenge.

“Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days!” She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to fuck off.