Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.
My parents live in Fort Worth .
One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing andselling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas .
I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My otherbrother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview . She is a part time “working girl”.
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and lookforward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?
It was the mailman’s last day on the job. After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a fine box of cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: Eggs, Hash-Browns, Ham, Sausage, Biscuits, Flap-Jacks, and fresh-squeezed Orange Juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”
He said, “Screw him - - - give him a dollar.”
The blonde then blushed and said, “The breakfast was my idea.
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a woman at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair Smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore,and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, “It’s Keith. The midget.”
A Catholic nun was grumbling because traffic had resulted in her missing her flight. She was actually on her way to a retreat for “stressed out” nuns. She decided to complain to someone in official capacity about the lack of more flights to her destination.
She approached one of the ticket agents at the counter and asked where to make her complaint..
She was told. “Down this hall to your left, turn right and proceed to the door at the end of that hall.
She was about 3/4th of the way down the hall and saw a fortune-teller machine. Scoffing a bit, she decided to prove just how false they were.
She approached the machine and deposited her quarter.
The machine whirred and spouted out the following. You are a nun, you are 27 years old, you weigh 127 pounds and when you step off the scale and step three paces away. You will pass gas. Break wind! FART.
The Nun was indignant. Stepped of the scale walked 3 paces away and broke wind. She was flabbergasted. Stepped back to the machine and inserted another quarter. The machine again whirred and spit out another card, indicating. You are a Nun, are 27 years old and weigh 127 pounds. And you are about to be raped. She laughed in glee cause there was not a soul in the hall way where she was. Suddenly a door beside the machine opened and she was pulled inside and violated(to her immense delight). When she recovered and exited the room, she decided to give the machine one more try. It spat out the card with the message. You’ve farted and fucked around and missed your last flight to your destination! Now do you believe?
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The Irishman nodded…”I’ll tell you though, beJaysuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day.”
From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from fo*kin’ skippin’ “the Irishman said.
One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley , “My elbow
hurts like crazy. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”
Listen, Bob, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Stan replies.
There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a lot cheaper than adoctor.”
So Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctor’s certificate for your employer”
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was.
Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.
He then went back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the computer.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. In ten seconds the computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.
And, as always . Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.
