January 31st, 2007
11:13
Wife
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
“Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a little TV.
Aren’t older women great? They really know to solve your mid-life crises….
The Rabbi died and his widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate
that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again.
The town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town
Butcher.
The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed, because she had been wed
to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.
However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.
After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the Mikvah (a Jewish
ritual bath to get rid of impurities).
Then she went home to prepare to light the candles.
The butcher leaned over to her and said, “My mother told me that
after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it’s good to have sex.”
So they did.
She lit the candles.
He leaned over again and said, “My father told me that after
lighting the candles it’s good to have sex.”
So they did.
They went to bed after saying their prayers.
When they awoke he said to her, “My grandmother said that before you
go to the synagogue it’s good to have sex.”
So they did.
After praying all morning, they came home to rest; and again he whispers in
her ear, “My grandfather says after praying it’s good to have sex.”
So they did.
On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked,
“So how is the new husband?”
She replied, “Well, he is no scholar,
but he comes from a wonderful family.”
January 21st, 2007
20:48
Men
A MAN WALKED INTO A SUPERMARKET WITH HIS ZIPPER DOWN. A LADY CASHIER WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, “YOUR BARRACKS DOOR IS OPEN.” NOT A PHRASE THAT MEN NORMALLY USE, HE WENT ON HIS WAY LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED.
WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE SHOPPING, A MAN CAME UP AND SAID, “YOUR FLY IS OPEN.” HE ZIPPED UP AND FINISHED HIS SHOPPING. AT THE CHECKOUT, HE INTENTIONALLY GOT IN THE LINE WHERE THE LADY WAS THAT TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS “BARRACKS DOOR.”
HE WAS PLANNING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH HER, SO WHEN HE REACHED THE COUNTER HE SAID, “WHEN YOU SAW MY BARRACKS DOOR OPEN, DID YOU SEE A MARINE STANDING IN THERE AT ATTENTION?”
THE LADY (NATURALLY SMARTER THAN THE MAN) THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID , “NO, NO I Didn’t. ALL I SAW WAS A DISABLED VETERAN SITTING ON A COUPLE OF OLD DUFFEL BAGS.”
A’s for arthritis;
B’s the bad back,
C’s the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure–I’d rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy,” you know.
W is for worry, NOW what’s going ’round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have– in my mind.
I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy very blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.
“What’s this for?” she asked.
“It’s for those lonely nights when you miss me,” explained her husband, winking. “Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny.”
A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage.
“Honey,” he says, “why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I’m gone.”
“I did,” she said. “But the damned thing rattled all my fillings loose.”
Yesterday, I got Preparation ‘H’ mixed up with Poli-Grip.
Now I talk like an asshole…. but my gums don’t itch.
