December 31st, 2006
00:59
Golf
Well, what should I do?”, asked the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.” Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW!, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn’t wait for her lesson.
The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asked the wife.
“Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.” The wife listened carefully to the pro’s advice, took a swing, and, THUMP! — the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
“You know, that was a lot better than I expected,” the pro said.
“Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands . . “
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honour of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “These are Carols.”
December 17th, 2006
23:57
Blonde
theres this blonde who was driving by a cornfield when she spotted another blonde trying to row through the corn field..she rolls down her window and yells it’s blondes like you that give the rest of us bad names..if i could swim i would come out there and whoop your butt!
A man went into a pet shop looking to buy a Parrot for his wife. he saw a parrot on the window of this pet store so he went in and asked the Clerk if the parrot talked and he said yes and he sings Christmas Carols too, if I hold a lighter to his left leg he sings jingle bells and if I put the lighter to his right leg he sings silent night. The man interested in the parrot said I have got to see that. So the clerk proceeded to show him and when the clerk held the lighter to the left leg the parrot started to sing jingle bells and then he moved the lighter to the right leg and the parrot begins to sing silent night. So the man thought it was cute and decided to take it home to his wife. He got it home and showed her how it sang the christmas carols by holding the lighter to each leg, and the wife asked her husband what would happen if we put the lighter between the parrots legs, So out of curiousity they tried it and the parrot started to sing Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
