bingbongboo fun

Not A leg to stand on

 So, this guy I know was in a horrible automobile accident last week.
It was really bad.
He ended up in a coma for six days.
When he woke up he couldn’t remember what happened…
The doctor told him that everything was ok.
The doctor said; ‘Son, I have good news and bad news for you.’
The guy said; ‘Well, you had better give me the bad news first.’
The doctor said; ‘Well, I had to amputate both of your legs.’
The guy’s heart fell to the floor.
‘Well, that sure is some bad news.’ My friend said.
‘So, whats the good news then?’ he asked.
The doctor replies; ‘The guy in the next room needed a new pair of shoes.’

Vegetables

Q: whats the hardest part about cooking a vegetable?

A: getting the wheelchair in the oven

The Most Functional English Word

 
Well, it’s shit … that’s right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.  There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
 You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. 

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don’t give a shit!
Well, Shit, it’s time for me to go.  Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.  But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head………..
Well, Shit Happens!!!

Cinderella update

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits
upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.   Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
“The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother”   The fairy godmother replied,
“It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,  “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,  “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
“Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…

Bet you’re sorry you neutered me.”

Men are like….

1. Men are like ….Laxatives …… They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like….Bananas…… The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ……Weather.. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like …….Blenders.. You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ….. Chocolate Bars … Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like … Commercials ……. You can’t believe a word they say.
7. Men are like …..Department Stores ….. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like …..Government Bonds …. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like …..Mascara… They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ….Popcorn….. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like… Snowstorms … You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like …….Lava Lamps …. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Helga

It was a hot day in Minnesota.

Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went
downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. “Gootness, it’s hotter Dan hell
today,” she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed
tavern and thought , “Vy nodt? So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.

“Ya know,” Helga said, “it is zo hot, I tink I’ll have myself a cold beer!”
“Anheuser Busch?” the bartender asked.
Helga blushed and replied, “Vell fine, tanks, und how’s yur viener?”