During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:
“Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
“Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
“That would be rude and impolite!!!
What about you Peter, how would you say it?”
“I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?”
“I would say: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after supper.”
The teacher fainted
1. Sex would smell like chocolate
2. Farts would smell like roses
3. Dogs would smell spring fresh
4. Babies would come from vending machines 5. Men would be born with a permanent erection 6. All women would have the same size breasts 7. There would be no cellulite 8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE 9. Men would be born with an “OFF” switch 10. There would be no “Hooters”
11. A man’s paycheck would be made payable to his wife 12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii!
13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle 14. Men would come with software to be custom designed 15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife 16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth 17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches 18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds 19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek 20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.
He said . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in
it.
She said . . . You wear pants don’t you?
He said . . ….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That’s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart!
He said . … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said . …..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . ….. Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you’re never there.
He said . ….. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don’t have time
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don’t know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
Good- looking?
She said …… . . They already have boyfriends.
She said…What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to
bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her….”Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling
out of that bag…” “Damn!” says the little old lady…..”I’d better go
back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money?” “
Did you steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!”
“So, I go and stand ! behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!”
“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well”, says the little old lady, “not all of them pay up”
Abbreviated Job Titles
The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news: I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning. Of course, I was excited, but that didn’t stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.
“Why?” asked the chairman.
“Because,” I said, “our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don’t want be known as VP of CRAP.”
A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off
the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke. “For freeing me from my
prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?” The man thought
for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has
ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.” “Allah Ka Zam!” said the
genie. “You’re a housewife!”
